A little inventory of how my life is going right now...


( Cut for TMI medical crap and bitching )

In short, for those who didn't want to read the TMI section - I'm fucking miserable and I hate everything right now.

Tonight
we don't have a lot to go on
but that's not how it lives in my head
no, not at all
blind times
thought we were matching weight
we pulled
sometimes it was you and sometimes it was me
but where are we
you say "don't take it all so hard for now
there's so much space
and there will always be later for that"


Matching Weight - Trespassers William


I like this - those little bit of lyrics above, followed by about eight minutes of ambient noise and instrumental. That's what my life feels like right now - little speaking, a lot of tangentially related sounds. Apologies to everyone I am currently uncommunicative with right now - yes, I am avoiding quite a lot of people at the moment but it's nothing personal I am just in one of those periods where talking to almost everyone is overwhelming. There's too much pressure and screaming and all the bad things around here and I can't stand for there to be more online. Sorry. We bend so much and then we drop out of sight before we break - it's just the way of things. I've also pretty much had enough of the petty things - all the jealousies and the flouncing and the drama. Enough of so many things. I'm rambling so just suffice it to say that if I am not talking to you it may-or-may-not-be you, but it probably isn't you it's more-than-likely-me. Dig?

It'll all wander back again eventually. Always does.

Do you ever feel profoundly lonely, even if you're surrounded by people? I have been fighting that feeling all day. Perhaps because there are so many things on my mind, but no one that really has the time to sit down and listen to me babble on about them. Which I understand, everyone's busy doing their own thing and that's cool - but my mood is not towards solitary pursuits today and I kind of actively ache for some socialization.

This is likely because I have been fairly reclusive for the past few days with the cold. I missed going to lunch with my aunt and uncle yesterday, and my history society meeting tonight.

Tonight I've been kind of quietly reaching out online, sending out a few IMs, trying to get involved in conversation on IRC, but not too much luck.

As being emo isn't really going to help matters any - here are some quizzes I took to pass the time:


( Quizzes )

At least I got my antibiotics today so I can fight off the sinus infection portion of this lurgey.

Just yesterday, we went to the Sweetwater Casino to celebrate my niece's birthday. Not twelve hours after we left, the place was struck by lightning and subsequently burnt to the ground. Read my article about it (including many pictures) here on Gather.

Today has just been a strange day - waking up and finding out about that was pretty surreal. This is a restaurant I've gone to all my life, that we've gone to on so many special occasions. Really strange to find out that it's gone so suddenly. I'm glad we got to go one last time. I hope they rebuild! A lady from the Atlantic City Press contacted me about the article and talked to my brother about the history of the area and talked to me about us going there yesterday and so on. So we might be in the Press tomorrow- that'd be cool. This is the second Gather article of mine that attracted some media attention - the first being this piece I did about someone arrested for terrorism in our hometown.

Then there was the eleven foot float on top of my car. No lie, it was really eleven feet long. Steve and his friend needed help transporting it to the beach - that thing was huge, and nearly flew off of my car.

I've given up hope that Aus will ever get another job. We will be trapped in this cycle of poverty and having nothing less than nothing forever, until we eventually die. If I happen to be wrong, then good, we'll be pleasantly surprised. But at least I won't be disappointed anymore when there's another thing we can't afford, and another job applied for that never calls. Of course. That's the way it is - never any money for anything, never any call backs. No hope left.

I did a couple of character exercises today and posted them in whatsimonsaid . I also did a little bit of writing for Victor Charlie with Aus, so all in all not a bad day writing-wise.

I just finished reading Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop cafe. Good book. One of these days I have to watch the movie.

I did watch a movie the other day on On Demand - Bicentennial Man. Liked it.

Still feel kinda down, but so it goes.

Went to the historical society meeting tonight - some parts were interesting, but the end was a list of names and it made my mind wander. My brother has found something to bribe me with in order to get me to finish the society website - a book of area poems from 1903 , a beautiful hardback first edition in lovely condition signed by the author. Damnit. More work is not what I need right now. But I covet that book, so therefore I must find a way to get at least something done on that this coming week.

I haven't felt much like writing the past couple of days. I haven't felt quite right, whether unwell physically or just a general emotional unease I don't really know. Maybe the stress of everything has just finally caught up with me. Though I am going to make an appointment with the doctor to see about going on the blood pressure medication they wanted to put me on last time.I think that I probably need it after all. I feel lonely at odd times in odd ways. I miss having friends locally- I'd love to be able to go out to lunch, or thrifting or something - but there's no one left to do that with.

I miss reading poetry, but I'm unwilling to go back to Bridgeton and it seems like there's nothing else really in the area. And I don't have the energy to put into trying to start something myself.

I've given up GMing anything - and the games I've been playing in I'm doing okay with now. At least I can write a little there, and play - it's better not having to think up plots and such. I can't do that anymore. Aus is getting ready to start our new game - he's gming that. It's over at http://www.labarc.com/Arcydea/ if anyone is interested.

I miss a lot of odd things. I keep thinking about the distant past, the events that I want to put into my screenplay. I can't bring myself to write about it yet. I just keep thinking about it, and I don't know if it's good to think about it, because then I'll be able to write it or not. It's all been so long ago now, but it was a very formative experience.

I feel unappreciated in the things I do, or maybe just too much in need of praise that isn't going to come. I guess some of what I do makes a difference in such small instinctive ways that its not really something someone would think of thanking me for. Maybe it's not even something I need to be thanked for, it's just the rest of all this and feeling like some recognition would do me some good. Meh.

I haven't been doing much writing lately either, and that always puts me in a mood. I'm at the point in my Michael stories where it's near the very end, and I think I'm a bit at a loss as to how to write the remaining stories because there's so much still that I want to say, yet I know that in all likelyhood this is really the point where the story should end.

I'm rambling, feel free to ignore this. It's not directed at anything or anyone, it's just my musings. Maybe whinings. But hey, I'll feel better after writing it all down.

I feel disconnected from my family- my kids are growing up and growing away from me. They seem to like to question and fight everything, they have so much of a struggle for independence versus wanting to still be taken care of. I can remember being at that age (I wasn't much older when all the screenplay stuff took place) and I think to myself my god , never let them go through anything like that. But I know they will, if not the exact same circumstances of course, but they will have their crisises, their formative experiences - and they likely won't come to me with them any more than I ever went to my parents about anything important at all. And in a way, that's terrifying, to think that my children are the age now that I was then. And all the years that went between....

Shit, maybe it's some sort of mid-life crisis. Society gives us the right to those, after all- they're even kind of trendy. But it'd be disappointing for it to be something so cliche, that'd be like the ultimate insult by life.

I think I want too many things all at once sometimes, and it all gets mixed up in my head so I don't want anything at all. I've never been good at organization. I have ideas for things, and projects, and all that... and I start working on them for a while, and then something else catches me. I'm not good at finishing things, and I need to be. I need to finish these Michael-stories, it's very important to me. And I need to start on the screenplay again, and follow that through because I can't just let it sit. I owe it to myself to learn how to finish things, if for no other reason than then they'll be out of my head and maybe there'll be a little bit more room for all the rest of it.

Did you ever just have someone ask you one single question, and the answer to that seems to sum up everything that's wrong in your life?

That's pretty much what just happened to me.

( From a post on the RK Net boards )

Yeah. That's pretty much my life. Not getting to see concerts may seem like this trivial thing, but it's the little thumbnail of the big picture.

I'm cold tired and numb.

I'm tired of crying because my father's going to die while alternately wondering how long I can stand for him to live like this.

I hate trying to watch tv to feel a little better and seeing complete crap like last night's Buffy The Vampire slayer, which just seemed to take Spike, Willow, and Buffy totally out of character for some reason and make them irritating freaks. I could write better than that. I have written better than that. I think I can finally understand why people write fan fics so often.

I have too much laundry.

I don't have enough reasons to smile today.

The only bright spot I'm feeling right now is that I can pick up Aus from work in twenty minutes.

Man, I wish I knew why life had to be like this sometimes.

I feel out of synch with life today. Everything feels semi-sureal and distant. My stomach and head hurt, and I just feel blah and disconnected. It's the one year anniversary of our guild and I'm supposed to be giving things away to our members- I should be working on a lot of things.

Instead I feel sick and vaguely depressed for unknown reasons. Not like "oh my gods, my life sucks so bad I'm going to be all goth and angstful" depressed, but just a general apathy. I don't know what's wrong exactly. Maybe it has something to do with the voices in my head. It's like.. I want to write about a hundred stories or poems right now, and pieces and bits of what various characters are saying or feeling or needing is drifting across my brain, but none of it sticks enough to make me actually sit down and find words to write it down.

Eventually, it'll all sort itself out and calm down in the L Head. I've been here before. I don't know whether it's creativity mixed with physical illness that causes this state- but it happens to me every now and then. I may lay down for a while.

Heh.. and then there went Claire. So much for the game, so much for her saying (yet again) "Oh, you guys do mean something to me, really, honest. I can change".

Its getting a bit old. I just want to give up on everything. Let ARC die. It doesn't mean anything anymore. Disband the guild or let Liz and Sherry have it, find new places to RP, or a new freaking hobby. Screw it all.

Though there is probably a distinct lack of caring on the subject, the after effects of a nervous breakdown seem to be crying a lot and shaking anytime something upsets you (and lots of little things upset me right now).

It'd be almost funny if it were happening to someone else. Or if I had valium.

I finally had that nervous breakdown.

...sad.

...hated.

...unwanted.

...hopeless.

...scared.

...lost.

...used.

...hurt.

...confused.

...upset.

...depressed.

Thanks Tim, for letting me and Aus know how you -really- feel.

I wasn't feeling blech before coming online. But did you ever have one of those days where you just suddenly realise nothing will ever be the same again? Arley is joining the Navy, Kara is barely talking to me, Claire has been distant and cold towards me ever since we got back from vacation, I'm depressed.

I am rather depressed today. I can't figure out how to get undepressed, and its really bothering me working on stuff. I don't feel like doing anything but sitting and being blech.